75 Ideas I Submitted to Cards Against Humanity

This was a legitimate pitch that later wound up on Medium.

  1. Recurring wet dreams about my grandmother that are becoming increasingly nuanced

  2. Vampires who only listen to pop punk

  3. Bob Dylan’s phone sex line

  4. Hand jobs from a goth who doesn’t blink

  5. A buffet of only pizza bagels

  6. Popcorn-flavored jelly beans

  7. The lone survivor of a plane crash tontine

  8. Hungover morning sex on a waterbed

  9. The first robot dog to hump accurately

  10. Crazy Town’s “Butterfly”

  11. A firehose of semen thrashing about like a poisoned snake

  12. A choir made up of Owen Wilson clones only able to sing the word “wow”

  13. A convention of little league dads berating their emotionally absent sons

  14. Emily Dickenson’s vibrator

  15. Mickey Mouse making a snuff film

  16. Ecoterrorists just chilling in Hawaiian shirts and listening to Jimmy Buffet

  17. A candy burrito

  18. Jesus in jorts

  19. The Michael Jordan of lying about having a condom

  20. An IKEA building filled with interconnecting Outback Steakhouses [Author’s Note: This is actually an old joke devised in partnership with Scott Barman.]

  21. An ASMR podcast of couples at the theater catching each other up after bathroom breaks

  22. A cursed guitar that only plays The Eagles and only like an overly confident beginner

  23. Candy cane strap-ons

  24. A crystal ball with a sewage leak

  25. The Gallagher brothers falling in love with each other

  26. Eating ass and dying young

  27. Roided-out mannequins

  28. My first pair of boobs back to haunt me

  29. Ernest Hemingway’s bleached asshole

  30. Godless Gen Xers

  31. The Kool-Aid Man on uppers

  32. Butterfly wings that look like the Mountain Dew logo

  33. Birthday cake frozen yogurt, candles and all

  34. Traveling back in time to see how t-rexes did it

  35. The dying words of Keanu Reeves

  36. This world’s smallest violin that everyone keeps talking about

  37. The first human-level AI absolutely killing it on Tinder

  38. Waterboarding God

  39. A sleeve of testicles instead of a penis

  40. The West’s loudest cowboy only yelling about fiscal spending

  41. A cardboard cutout of the first time I masturbated

  42. Three bags of Doritos Nacho Cheese and literally no other chips

  43. A cryptocurrenecy that only lets you invest in MySpace

  44. Tiny, adorable black holes

  45. Going to town on yourself so hard that police respond to a noise complaint and rule it a homicide

  46. Elves going through puberty

  47. The layer of Hell specifically designated for all the lovers who imagined someone else during oral sex

  48. Open mic night, no booze allowed

  49. Dry destination weddings

  50. A fairy godmother on hallucinogens

  51. Using all three wishes to lower the price of pistachios

  52. Having the talk with grandpa on his deathbed

  53. The only treehouse on a military base

  54. A shadowy league of assassins who only shoot blanks because they believe in second chances

  55. Skeletons with erectile dysfunction

  56. Sacrificing virgins for better weed crops

  57. An Aaron Sorkin walk-and-talk explaining the difference between furries and bronies

  58. Macramé lingerie

  59. Jurassic Park but it’s all reanimated dead presidents, still kept in cages

  60. My student loans having a body count

  61. Shrek and he only listens to Sublime now

  62. A new era of corduroy

  63. Skinny dipping and accidentally getting river baptized by the local cult’s most handsome reverend

  64. That mysterious neighborhood cat that can sense emotional trauma

  65. Gagging at a family reunion

  66. Making it to the afterlife and finding out Judas is cursed for eternity as simply being Heaven’s greeter

  67. Getting a tour of Hell, only to find out there’s no gift shop

  68. Politicians sitting on the sidelines of battle with foam fingers

  69. Edible poker chips

  70. A Roger Ebert for anal debuts

  71. A grayscale aurora borealis that makes everyone hate Earth

  72. Kanye West believing the story is actually a thinly veiled personal attack in literally any book club

  73. Sopping wet from the very idea of a Wells Fargo not treating you like shit

  74. Burning in Hell alone

  75. Realizing life is just a waiting room with more space and more walls