Dear ladies of this particular ancestral shield, who refuse to allow me to live out my days as a bachelor of poise and equanimity: Ah, my wonderfully charming kinswomen! There are simply not enough holidays in the year for us to gather together and celebrate the richness of life. It is always such a merry occasion to be in your presence, as you all have such a fiery zest for existence. And now, I am straight-up begging you to let me die alone. Read the whole thing.

Women of My Family, I Beg You: Let Me Die Alone

1) Recurring wet dreams about my grandmother that are becoming increasingly nuanced 2) Vampires who only listen to pop punk 3) Bob Dylan’s phone sex line 4) Hand jobs from a goth who doesn’t blink Read the whole thing.

75 Ideas I Submitted to Cards Against Humanity

1) Sandra Bullock’s work ethic is like that of a small, hypnotized animal (with curves you wouldn’t believe). 2) When she won a Razzie for her performance in All About Steve, Sandra Bullock actually showed up to accept it. Have you ever done that? 3) Sandra Bullock’s smile is magic. It’s transformative. Elegant. White as an ASU sorority girl’s bare ass in snow. Read the whole thing.

101 Reasons Sandra Bullock is the Goddamn Best

In it, a boy is confronted with the lamentable truth, by way of his soothsayer father, that the wonderful and exciting world of online will not be the universal tool for good he believes it destined to be. Read the whole thing.

I Go Online for the First Time: An Extremely Brief Play (About Hard Truths From a Psychic Father)

There’s No Music on this Justin Timberlake Album

I reviewed Justin Timberlake’s extremely unassuming concept album Man of the Woods and it’s easily the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. There’s (almost) no music on it whatsoever, and yet art must be examined and explored, so here it is, a track-by-track journey through the brazenly weird and indulgent spectacle. Read the whole thing.

Craigslist Ad: The Piano That Can AND WILL Save Rock 'n Roll is Now for Sale

When I was unjustly kicked out of the greatest Ray Manzarek cover band to ever come out of Cincinnati, I promised myself three things: 1) Get tested. 2) Find love. 3) Never betray rock 'n roll. Read the whole thing.